It's all very strange.
I've kept two serious blogs, before this one (and I don't even know if this one is serious yet). Serious Blogs that I filled with my hopes and dreams and joys and fears and annoyances. Both of them LiveJournals.
As I reread its entries, the first blog saddens me. It's an Ode to Teenagehood, to the seventeen-year-old I was. I did things I'm no longer proud of, and I spoke in a way that is very foreign, now. I wanted to fit in so badly, I was almost willing to do anything it took. But they didn't even care if I fit in or not. There was no peer pressure - I imagined it, at the time. And I fell prey to the imaginings. This is the blog that documents events that I wish I could erase, but who have ultimately shaped who I am now.
The second blog is a bookmark between Then and Now. It has showy entries, decidedly flippant in voice, and ends on a sour, forgotten note. Sour because upon remembering that year, I shake my head in amazement at my stubbornness and stupidity. So many ugly things came out of that year. So many good things, too, I know. But I remember the ugly first. It rings of soap opera plots: secret love, a broken heart, parties, the lack of fitting in, and that fateful day that began a two-year-long series of interactions that ended in the worst of ways - anger and hatred.
All I can think of when I read these two blogs is how stupid it all was, how trivial. And yet... and yet, I am glad I have some documentation of how it all was, to begin with. I am such a different person now, much more confident, much more alive. It's good to be able to see these changes. It's good to know that people change, and that life goes on.
How very sentimental.
And now, there is this blog.
I don't know how long I will keep this up. I mean, this is only my third entry, and it's been what, three months? Maybe two. But it's nice to have an outlet again. Keep your fingers crossed.
